Today as I was reading about angry divorce cases I thought of you and how it would haunt me if you were mean to me. How I’d sulk away and be really-really sad.

I have lost some form of humanity, some inner assuredness. I feel fragile and I’m constantly questioning others whether they are good and find myself contemplating whether I would be good enough for them, whether I would stand up to their level. I constantly try to find faults with others as if their faults would relieve me from having to try being better. With you I felt like I am enough. I remember our journey to Prora, our explorations, our time out. It was marred by our future but it was amazing, riding the bike with you, exploring, drawing, playing, and yes, accidents, that I believe brought us closer. I felt sure that you cared for me, that we had something to share and cherish. I feel empty and less sure of myself now, trying to find fault in others rather than facing my own daemons. I have trouble facing them. Instead, I am left with a feeling of sadness and just waiting and waiting. For you, for us.

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Post Scriptum: The daemons are back again, haunting me. I have trouble doing this alone. I need you to be with me. The wait makes me hollow, tired, homeless.

I remember our last chat on the phone and how you inspired me and how much I talked about work and how much I missed you. I didn’t know how to tell you that other than telling you that story of having been drunk the day before and going to sleep so dizzy and sick that I thought I’d die — and thinking that I want to see you again before I die. I am interested in your work, your life there. I often think of you running, working, dancing, walking, taking a bus there. I miss your life.

I remember biking with you between the exhibitions in Berlin, talking to people, locking down our bikes, just riding and having you ride in front of me, being happy that you were there, that you were happy. I want to be happy like that again. I want to go and hike Mount Kilimanjaro with you. I want to go and visit a small Greek island with you and get lost, eat good food and make love to you in the open with the beautiful vista of the blue sea around us. I want to take you to France, to my old place where I lived in the Rhone-Alpes, I want to go around there with you, go to the lake, eat good French food and make love to you. I want to see Australia with you, with those magnificent trees standing above us. I want to meet your brother and your mother, I want to give them a hug. I want you to tell me more about your father. I want to see you be happy and free with me.

I want to talk about you, mention you, see you as my girlfriend, life partner, be proud of your achievements your beautiful thoughts and the love that you can give.

My life is flying over my head, passing, slowly but surely and I miss sharing it with you. It would bring more meaning to my life, sharing it with you. To know that I was here and spent it with you, loving you, giving to you. I want to grow old by your side, and even if we didn’t amount to anything, living with you would have been worth it.

We can do it together… It doesn’t have to be like it was in your family, it doesn’t have to be broken, or hurtful like it was in mine. It can be beautiful and smooth. it can be bright as the shining sun on a beautiful summer day. We can be happy, sharing our time, our world, we could love each other and be content that the other is there for us.

We talked yesterday. I feel like you are a beautiful snail, back inside your little house you carry. I would like to smoothly call you out, slowly, gently. I would like you to see how much I love you, how much I’ll care for you and how gentle I’ll be with you. I would like you to see that out here, with me, you can be sure that I won’t hurt you, and that I can be a loving, caring partner for you. I know it takes a leap of faith. It took a leap of faith for me too, and it’s very scary, out here. I’ll be patient and I’ll be here, waiting and being gently loving, for a long-long time.

Love,

M.

It’s hard, waiting, missing you, thinking of you. I dreamed of you yesterday night. I dreamed that you had a set of cards that allow me to contact you, and that I used up all the cards and there were none left. You seemed just as sad about the loss of cards as me and then I woke up.

I feel how much you have grown apart from me. It makes sad and suddenly fearful of where I am, my own place here. I don’t want to let go, and I won’t, but the last day has made me very silent. I want to experience you, us, our potential as fully as possible, even if that means rejection. A difficult month is ahead of us, but it will be good to see you at the end of the tunnel, at least one more time before you truly leave.

The other day I saw a child stepping in front of a car, being nearly hit. Her father angrily caught her and reprimanded her, shouting. I know that we would have loved her instead, hugged her, comforted her. I know that we would have showed her how important she is to us and how much it would have hurt us to see her being hurt. I know that we would have showed her love and care instead. I know that we would have been good, in the true sense of the word — showing vulnerability instead of crouching back behind anger and frustration. I know we would have the courage to be open and vulnerable, to cry and rejoice in front of our loved ones.

I want to walk hand in hand with you. I want to hug you long and deep and then kiss your neck and put my hands around your head behind your neck and slowly, gently, kiss you. I miss the emotional openness we could have, the possibility of unimaginable joy and the feeling of connectedness. I miss resting my head on your chest listening to your heart beat. It was good being there. Relaxing, soft, vulnerable and safe.

I remember bouncing on the seashores of Prora, with you by my side, having lots of fun, laughing, playing, enjoying ourselves. It was so carefree. I miss those moments… Today was a sad day without you.

You wrote me today, and I’m afraid. It’s to the point, clean, showing little emotion. As a paper laid bare, with text but without meaning, I have trouble understanding it. It surpasses my capacity to understand as I stand baffled and sad.

I miss your touch… I miss you gently caressing me for no reason but to touch me. Lately I have been having this kopfkino of you arriving at the airport and me hugging you, kissing you, whispering into your ear that I love you. It’s so good to say that to you. Somehow really beautiful, mesmerizing, uplifting, truly magnificent. I miss saying it to you. I remember the first time you told me that you loved me. On that pillow, next to me, lying, and changing my life forever.

Lately I became jealous. I’m afraid that others want you, that you’ll love others, that you’ll fall in love and forget me, us. I’m afraid you won’t be here, for me, once the wait is over and I’ll see you again. I’m afraid of loosing you.

This is really really hard for me, but we need to go our separate ways. It’s not because of anything you did or didn’t say, it’s because of the situation, and how I’m feeling right now. I’m sorry.

Maybe you were right all along. I had two dreams about you last night. They were both about us not being together anymore. It’s really hard, but today I woke up and I realised I cannot continue. I think I got drained. It was too much. I feel like I need to get out of this mindset and get on with my life, try to find a place to live. I’m quite sure I won’t find the love I had for you again. Maybe I’ll find a different one, less enthusiastic but more mutual. Maybe I won’t find true love again. I realised that I need you to love me and I’m too tired and sad to feel this any longer without your support. I read your mail yesterday and the way you phrased it I realised that you have already made this move, you have already let go.

You should see how many notes I’ve made in the past month about you, and what made me think of you and how beautiful those thoughts were. Right now, I feel empty. I look out the window, I look at the clouds and the sunshine and I don’t see that moment anymore when I told you to look up to the sun and think of me. I see beautiful, but silent clouds. I see people talking about useless things and I don’t think of how we used to talk about interesting topics. Everything fell silent, and I’m more in peace with myself now. There is nothing to reach for, it’s all gone and I let it go. My daemons are still here, lurking, but they fell silent. I’m not just giving you up, but I’m giving up myself. I tried and I didn’t succeed. But I tried and I’m glad for that. If I could change time, I would go back and ask myself to re-consider going with you to Africa.

I’ll miss seeing your positive energy change this world for the better. I’ll miss thinking of you and loving you. And I’ll miss living my life with you.

There is an underlying current, a strong, uniting force of love that I feel for you. I see how fragile you always were. Not telling me your name, telling me you’ll leave the city we were living in, always half a feet outside of the relationship we were building. Maybe I need to be lenient with you. Maybe I should see how afraid you were, how afraid you are to enter into a relationship and maybe I should just give you space to think about it. I want you, I want you still but I want you to see that you can be open and honest with me. That you can trust me. I’m sorry I have hurt you. And I’m sorry others have hurt you. I want to be good to you from now on. I want you to see how it is, being loved unconditionally… You run so often. It would be a beautiful if one day you decided to run towards me.

I thought of you today in the shower. Of what you have to say to me. Of what awaits me when you’ll get off that airplane and meet me. How will you react? Will you break down your walls? Will you feel what you felt when you left? Will you be loving, caring, close to me while you’ll be here? Will you think of me in your sleep? Will you tell me that you love me? It’s very confusing and I’m afraid. In some sense, I have an idea what you want to tell me. That you need more time, that you need to find out who you can love, that you need to find other people and try being with them, too. That you need more space. But I want closeness and the feeling of being loved back. It’s difficult, being here, alone, with a heavy heart.

You taught me how to sleep naked. I miss doing that, I miss your care of teaching me and gently showing me the way in so many things. I miss your careful, beautiful way of introducing me to new things to discover, new things to explore and new ways of seeing things. I miss finding new facets of life that I can see through you and then remember you for having taught me that. I miss associating new places, new parts of my life with you.

I would like to show Hungary to you. I would like to take you to Szeged and I would like to take you to Budapest. I would like to hang out at bars, show you the vista from Corvinterasz. I would like to show you where I lived, where I grew up. I want to make you part of my history. I would like to have Christmas with you. And I’m afraid I won’t be able to.