And if you’re ever around
In the city or the suburbs of this town
Be sure to come around
I’ll be wallowing in sorrow, wearing a frown
Like Pierrot the Clown

I see these people on the train, dressed up to for this horse race and I remember us dressing up for the theatre. I remember asking you about what went wrong that day, I remember the long wait at that diner. And I remember not making love to you in the bathroom even though we planned. I felt very inadequate that day. I remember walking instead of taking the bus.  And I remember realizing that you couldn’t read the subtitles well enough. It was strange. A rare glimpse into your fragility, a peek behind the set, into an area that so often remained in the shadows.

I remember you giving me the Top 31. I thought it was something strange. I remember you denying that it was anything important. I opened it in secret in the office, next to the balcony and I was overwhelmed. It was amazing, beautiful, I never got anything like that, ever. For a moment, I didn’t even understand that it happened. I never thought it could.

I wish I could tell you that we can do it better, that we can make it work, that there is a future for us, together. I wish I could bring that optimism to you. But I can’t change you and I’m not sure I want to. I love you exactly the way you are…

(Today I watched a film about memories and I it dawned on me that all I have is memories of you. It made me somehow weak and fragile when I realized that)