Can you give me something for a promise I’ve made
Because I’ve become a prisoner of the things I’ve said
Isolated incidents have brought me war
Jealousy, indifference of wanting you more

I’m afraid to contact you with my questions about your stay, about how much time you want to spend with me. I’m afraid of our first meeting, I’m afraid I’ll cry and tell you that I love you and you won’t say it back… I’m afraid that you’ll be here to say goodbye and I will be struck and just unable to do anything. I’m afraid you’ll be good and to the point, you’ll be defensive and putting space between you and me. I’m afraid that my future will not be with you, that you don’t want me. I’m afraid of your rejection. It will be so hard. I have never felt like this before. I’m ashamed of myself and really-really scared.

—

Today I was thinking, why did you do this to us? Why is it good if I start to feel indifferent? It might allow me to see you, us, from a more independent perspective. It might allow me to make a more informed decision. But it also makes things so much harder. I long for those moments where I felt nothing without you. Those moments when I felt that you were the only person in my life that mattered. It was a good feeling. Just yesterday morning I started crying in my bed, holding your 31 cards to my chest. It was so good, knowing that you cared. That I meant something to you. To feel your gentle love against me for a moment. I miss missing you. I want to feel your smell again. I want to hear your heart beat, I long to hear its rhythm again.